I’m gonna get right into it. It’s Prime Day, the biggest American holiday of the year. And let me tell you, the deals this year are GOOD.

The holiday is good. Heck I was the one who came up with it at the pitch meeting 45 years back when Bezos (close friend, brother) said “What’s something no one understands but has a powerful allure to it?”

In the back of the room, legs up on the table, doing a rubik’s cube very fast, I said, “Prime.”

Bezos said, “Huh??”

“Prime numbers. Seven. What’s seven divisible by?”

Some idiot said “…three?”

I looked up at him and quickly redid the rubik’s cube so it spelled out the word “Nope” in green.

Then for emphasis I said, “Nope.” And then I said, “It’s a prime number you dingleberry.”

Bezos got it though, because he just whispered, “a prime number, you dingleberry.”

And we all started saying it really fast and faster and even faster still until FINALLY we were just saying “Prime day.”

That’s how it was born. I was there. Kicking myself still for taking the 1-day bonus of $30k from brother Bezos instead of the backend points coulda made a fortune coulda bought a frikkin house boat but say la vee.

And that is why I know the biggest secret of the day the one that no one is supposed to know

Remember the image above? The one Larry wasn’t supposed to share with anyone?

Well let’s just say Larry is…dead. It was an accident I just invited him out for hibachi and the waiter guy tried to cut some steak but cut Larry’s neck and it’s a MESS of a lawsuit BUT it made it very easy for me to sneak into Larry’s house and get the actual raw file with the secret:

And here it is:

DO NOT BUY ANYTHING ON PRIME DAY

I WILL explain how this works but I ask you please to make sure you’re:

1. sitting down

2. with someone you love

3. near water and bread and a bed in case you need any of them because of the overwhelm that shall inevitably overtake you as you read this

We’ll start with an example. Then, I’ll dive into the details of HOW it works. I really cannot stress this enough: the math that follows IS not for the faint of heart. It is a complicated paradox of time, space, and trauma that has bested many and worsted more.

Legally, I am not responsible for anything that follows. Thank you.

Let’s begin with the product that is on everyone’s mind this Prime Day

I know you know what I’m talking about:

The Exfoliating Knitted Back Scrubber with Handles Two Sides for Body Shower Deep Cleans Skin Massages Invigorating Blood Circulation Men Women One Size Japanese Bath Wash Scrub Cloth (Gray).

I think I speak for us all when I say, daddy wants!!

As you can probably see, the Prime Day deal for the Exfoliating Knitted Back Scrubber with Handles Two Sides for Body Shower Deep Cleans Skin Massages Invigorating Blood Circulation Men Women One Size Japanese Bath Wash Scrub Cloth (Gray) is already frankly insane. Here’s a quick breakdown:

The math here is fairly sound. $11.20 is a whole lot less (49% in fact) than $22.00.

But here’s where things start to get a little weird. Watch this.

What would happen, theoretically speaking, if you just, idk, didn’t buy the $11.20 washcloth?

YOU GET TO KEEP THE MONEY!!!

Amazon does not want you to know this is an option because honestly it would ruin their business model which, and this is completely off the record, is to get you to buy dumb shit you don’t need for discounted prices that are, in fact, AlWAYS more than $0.

But wait, there’s less

And it isn’t just the Exfoliating Knitted Back Scrubber with Handles Two Sides for Body Shower Deep Cleans Skin Massages Invigorating Blood Circulation Men Women One Size Japanese Bath Wash Scrub Cloth (Gray).

Say you needed 999 pairs of the Amazon Essentials Men’s 9” Quick-Dry Swim Trunk, Black, Large.

Without my hack and even WITH the prime deal, that’d set you back a cool $14,535.45.

BUT WITH THE HACK ITS $0.00!!!

Not only that. BUT YOU ARE $14,535.45 RICHER FOR NOT BUYING ALL THOSE SHIRTS.

How about a fridge?

It works!! YOU MAKE SO MUCH MONEY and you don’t have to buy a fridge that doubles as a ‘House with Adjustable Glass Shelves’!!

Does it only work for expensive items???

Nope! Even though the Card Birthday Boy's or Girl's Life in Numbers - 24th Birthday Gifts for Womens or Men - 24th Birthday Decorations - Woman Mens Birthday Gift Ideas for 24 Years Old - 24 Birthday Poster [Unframed 8×10] is already selling at a Prime Day unbeatable cost of $3.49, my deal gets it down to the very low literally free price of $0.00.

Something doesn’t feel right about this…

For all the geniuses in the room who are thinking “Um…ok sure, yes, this is a sweet hack and I’d never thought about it before but guess what, “Alex,” it doesn’t work!!”

To which I’d say, dumbfounded like Deal-lock Holmes, “it doesn’t??”

And then the genius would say, all proud like he’d just cooked some pasta without help, “nope! Because when you don’t buy the product, you also DO NOT GET THE PRODUCT THAT YOU WANTED TO BUY!!”

To which I would say…

Exactly

You don’t need any of the dumb shit that’s on sale at Amazon Prime Day dot com. This is the true beauty of my system. If you do it correctly, you will end up with:

1. Loads of cash

2. No washcloths, no fridge-houses, no 999 pairs of ‘quik dry’ shirts, no posters about…being 24

That’s right. You make money AND you won’t even get one of these pieces of shit

That’s right! You pay nothing AND you don’t have to ever have a Exfoliating Knitted Back Scrubber with Handles Two Sides for Body Shower Deep Cleans Skin Massages Invigorating Blood Circulation Men Women One Size Japanese Bath Wash Scrub Cloth (Gray) in your house aka a $12 rag.

“But I need that new thing”

No you don’t. Most of us have all that we need — a bed, snacks, water that flows freely, toilet stuff, and some crayons for doing pictures. That’s basically it! Food , as well.

A lot of people don’t even have that stuff. Now if Bezos wanted to make Prime Day a mutual-aid-a-thon where everyone buys stuff for the people who need it until no one is homeless, that’d be great!!

But as it stands now, yuck.

I’m no hero

I talk a big game and I walk a big talk, but I’m human just like you. While writing this tell-all bombshell of a piece, I succumbed (succame?) to the deals myself and bought a “military grade” phone holder for my car and a hydroflask bottle with the “old tip” because the “new tip” was not on sale.

But just think about what woulda happened if I’d followed my own advice.

I’d be $43.31 richer and none the poorer, because I certainly did not need either of those dumb things not even a little.

If you’re reading these words, I’ve somehow managed to get this out to the public. I’ll probably go into witness protection (note to self: can anyone use that program, or do you have to be a ‘witness’ and if so, what sorts of witnesses apply?)

Until I come back, most likely next Prime Day, tell all your friends about this and let’s save each other from the hell of Prime Day.

And remember:

Comments:

1. What dumb shit did you NOT buy this Prime Day?

2. What even dumber shit did you end up buying?

3. How are you doing emotionally and mentally after having your mind blown by this paradigm shifting protocol?

6. What will you do today instead of buying more dumb shit on Amazon dot com